When I was in high school there was a craze among the teens in my town.  During the night we would sneak out and decorate the yard of someone we liked with toilette paper.  The way I remember it, if you got toilette papered that was almost as good as being named captain of the football team or crowned prom queen.  It was a BIG DEAL!  And in a good way.

I remember getting toilette papered one time.  It could have been for my brother, but I was pretty sure it was for me!  I was so excited!  My dad made me clean it up and I didn’t even mind.  I had just become, even if only for minute, one of the cool kids!  I was on cloud nine.  I had a smile on my face a mile wide.

My dad had a completely different take on the situation.  He viewed it as vandalism.  I remember how upset he was.  The only reprieve was that the sprinklers had not come on before we noticed it and made an even bigger mess.  He was so angry.

I remember him sitting my brother and me down and warning us, maybe more like threatening us, that if we ever engaged in such behavior (toilette papering someone’s house) and we got caught that we would spend the night in jail.  And THEN there would be serious consequences – WORSE than jail.  PERIOD!

I recall thinking my dad was nuts.  Didn’t he have any idea what an honor it was to get toilette papered?  If I were out “decorating” someone’s house it was a complement, a kindness.  He was sooooo wrong.

I can only image what he thought.  But I’m sure it went something like this… I will NOT have my kids out there vandalizing other people’s property.  If I EVER catch someone doing this to my house I will call the cops and have them arrested.  This is just the kind of delinquent behavior that turns good kids into criminals!

Thankfully I never got caught and my dad never caught anyone “decorating” our yard.  I think that was a blessing for all of us.

As a teenager, I had not yet learned the importance of perspective.  I had many heated conversations with my parents over things I now see as silly.  But at that time in knew I was right and they were wrong and I felt it was my duty to teach them.  I’m so thankful my parents patiently loved me through all of that. J

Just like my father and I saw toilette papering with different perspectives; pretty much all of our experiences with other people involve different perspectives.  It doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong.  We just see things differently.  Learning to recognize this and choosing to embrace it is what matters.

Studies show that even 2 children growing up in the same household with the same parents and the same rules will see things differently.

When we are trying to communicate without recognizing that the other person may see things through a different lens, a different perspective, conflict is likely to occur.

There is a saying that goes something like this:  Don’t judge another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

And that is where you start!  If you want to become better at relationships – any kind of relationship, start with recognizing and embracing the reality that others have different perspectives.

Who is right?

They both are!  How can they both be right, they are not giving the same answer???

Perspective – your truth is determined by the shoes you are wearing.  If Mr. Six was to walk over and put on Mr. Nine’s shoes, Mr. Six just might change his mind and call the number a nine.  Something to ponder the next time you encounter a disagreement.

Steven Covey’s classic, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, teaches us, through habit 5, the greatest tip of all when it comes to understanding perspective – Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood:

“When we listen, we gather valuable information about what the other party wants and needs.  To orchestrate a win-win, it is crucial to know what the others consider ‘winning.’… We must ask questions such as: ‘What does the other party want?’ or ‘What would they define as a success?’  This ability to stand in their shoes is important because the same information or event can cause different reactions.  What you may consider a minor irritation may be a big deal for someone else and vice versa.  The point is not just to determine who is right, but also to understand that sometimes it is a matter of perspective with no objectively correct answer.”

I am reminded of my uncle and the fireworks on Independence Day.  From the time I was a small child, the entire family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) attended the local fireworks show together.  I have fond memories of family togetherness and beautiful skies with an abundance of ooooooo’s and aaaaahhhh’s filling the air.  It was magical every time.

I never even considered what my uncle had to endure each time he attended.  You see he served in the Korean War.  He was very seriously injured, spent a year in the hospital and received a purple heart.  He is an American Hero.  He has a great love of Country and is so very proud to be an American.

When standing in his shoes we see the fireworks in a completely different light.  The fireworks are severely stressful, in a post-traumatic stress kind of way.  Each kaboom (that I hardly noticed) was a terrifying noise.  It reminded him of being under fire in a warzone, being afraid for his life and the lives of his friends he served with.  It reminded him of his life-threatening injuries and the time he spent in a hospital bed.  Each kaboom triggered a reaction to run for cover, a desperate need to hide to stay alive!

Can you imagine?  Perhaps you can.  What different perspectives he and I have about fireworks.  Looking at them through his eyes, I would probably choose NOT to attend.  There is no right or wrong.  We just see things from a different perspective, thus creating very different experiences for each of us when we attend a fireworks display.

If I were trying to convince him to attend based on all of the things I think are great about the fireworks, I would fall short.  But imaging what it would be like if I took the time to listen first, to understand where he was coming from before I started trying to convince him to attend.  I would probably learn a lot about a man and his personal struggles.  I would likely feel compassion toward him and his journey.  I may even choose to just thank him for his service and not even bring up his attendance with the family at the fireworks show.

Taking time to listen and see things from the perspective of others offers a great opportunity for growth.  It also allows us to better avoid conflict and unnecessary tense situations.

The next time you are having a conversation, take the opportunity to listen first.  Ask questions that help you understand where the other person is coming from.  You were given 2 ears and only 1 mouth.  Keep that in mind and learn to listen – with the intent to understand, twice as much as you speak and you will be a happier being.