Life is all about relationships.  As you examine the relationships you have, are they healthy or dysfunctional?  The kinds of relationships you have are a direct result of the kinds of boundaries you have in place.

Face it, unhealthy boundaries create dysfunctional relationships and on the flip side, healthy boundaries create healthy relationships.  It really is that simple.

It is by establishing clear boundaries, that we define ourselves in relation to others.  I don’t think anyone truly wants to have a life full of dysfunctional relationships, but setting healthy boundaries is not something that comes naturally for most people.

Learning to establish healthy boundaries is an important goal in our personal growth/personal development.  If you want to go from dysfunctional to healthy, when it comes to your relationships, start by examining your boundaries.

Your emotional boundaries define where your feelings end and another’s begins.  You can begin the exercise of discovering the boundaries you have in place by asking yourself the following questions:

Do I take responsibility for my feelings and needs and allow others to do the same?

Or

Do I feel overly responsible for the feelings and needs of others and neglect my own?

Some additional things to ask yourself are:

• Am I able to say no? Do I feel guilty when I do?
• Can I ask for what I need?
• Am I a compulsive people pleaser?
• Do I become upset simply because others are upset around me?
• Do I mimic the opinions of whomever I am around?

The answers to these questions help define the “property lines” of our emotional boundaries

Without boundaries, others could…

• touch us in any way they wanted
• do whatever they wished with our possessions
• treat us in any way they desired.

In addition we would…

• believe everyone else’s bad behaviors are our fault
• take on everyone else’s problems as our own
• feel like we have no right to any right

Our lives would be chaotic and out of our control.  It would be like we are putting a fence around a yard without knowing the property lines.

There are 3 basic types of boundaries that define relationships.  Let’s explore them.

1. Boundaries that are too rigid

When a person has boundaries that are too rigid, they exhibit behaviors like the following:

• They literally shut out everyone from their lives
• They appear aloof and distant
• They do not talk about feeling or show emotions
• They exhibit extreme self-sufficiency
• They do not ask for help
• They don’t allow anyone to get physically or emotionally close to them

It is as if they live in a house surrounded by a colossal wall with no gates.  There is no way in or out.  No one is allowed in.  Period.

2. Boundaries that are too loose

In contrast to someone who has rigid boundaries, a person with boundaries that are too loose will seemingly have no walls at all.  They will likely exhibit the following behaviors and feelings:

• They will put their hands on strangers
• They let others touch them inappropriately
• They may be sexually promiscuous, and will likely confuse sex and love
• They can be driven to be in a sexual relationship
• They get too close to others too fast
• They may take on the feelings of others as their own
• They easily become emotionally overwhelmed
• They give too much
• They take too much
• They are in constant need of reassurance
• They may expect others to read their minds
• They may think they can read the minds of others
• They say “yes” when they want to say “no”
• They feel responsible for the feelings of others
• They often lead chaotic lives, full of drama

For those with boundaries that are too loose, it is as if they live in houses with no fences, gates, locks or even doors.

3. Boundaries that are Healthy

And here we are at the ultimate goal – Healthy Boundaries.  Like I mentioned before, it is healthy boundaries that produce healthy relationships.  A person who has healthy boundaries is place will:

• Be firm but flexible
• Give support and accept it
• Respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights
• Respect the feelings, needs, opinions and rights of others
• Be responsible for their own happiness
• Allow others to be responsible for their happiness
• Have empathy for others
• Have an internal sense of personal identity
• Make others comfortable around them
• Respect diversity

They are:

• Clear about separateness of their own feelings, needs, opinions and rights and those of others.
• Assertive
• Respectful of the rights of others to be assertive
• Able to negotiate and compromise
• Able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem
• Comfortable with themselves

People who have healthy boundaries in place are like people who live in houses with fences and gates that allow access only to those who respect their boundaries.

When you find yourself feeling anger or resentment, or whining or complaining, it’s time to take a look at the boundaries you have in place.  When you are feeling out of sorts, you have a boundary that is too loose or too rigid and it’s time to make a change.

It is by creating and maintaining healthy boundaries that we establish fences that keep us safe and at peace.  This allows our true selves to emerge and happiness to be our daily attire.

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